By Marie-Antoinette Issa.
Much like images of Santa in a pair of board shorts, or an odd obsession with giant roadside attractions for reasons nobody can quite explain, Australians tend to eat our culinary heritage in ways that leave the rest of the globe squinting, squirming and scratching their heads.
From a jar of black breakfast paste that looks like it could double as shoe polish to biscuits so bloody good they count A-listers among their fans, here’s how to navigate unofficial Aussie cuisine without the cringe.
For outsiders unfamiliar with the cultural cult that is Vegemite, this beloved paste does not pass the vibe check. Instead, for the uninitiated, simply seems to deliver a bitter, salty slap in the mouth.
However, the secret is restraint. Your aim is not a liberal peanut butter or generous cream cheese situation. Rather, Vegemite is meant to be spread very lightly on buttered toast (or paired with avo) to deliver just a whisper of umami yeastiness. Remember: Australians will judge you if it’s too thick, so aim for a subtle smear and you’ll up the odds of being confused for a Crocodile Hunting local!
Next, whether consumed at the football or on a long weekend road trip in a quaint country town bakery with a funny-sounding name (Wagga Wagga? Bong Bong? Humpty Doo?), most Aussies treat pies like a domestic treasure - with the very real potential to replace King Charles as Head of State and for good reason.
However, we fall short of delivering a unanimous consensus on the best way to consume one. Bite straight in and you risk scalding lava gravy like Crocodile Dundee wrestling a croc. Remove the top, add tomato sauce and approach with strategy and the risk of an uneven flavour distribution arises.
Purists argue that the best approach is to vent the steam with a knife and in our humble opinion, that may very well be the best approach to ensuring you have your pie and eat it too!
A moment of fanfare for fairy bread, please. While technically intended as a party food, this iconic Aussie treat deserves special recognition among Australia’s haute cuisine. The premise is simple: white bread, margarine and artificially coloured hundreds and thousands sprinkles.
With absolutely no nutritional value, forget what Trad Wife Narta Smith might have tried to convince you - the best versions of fairy bread are nostalgic slices of sugar chaos on a plate. Not some artisanal creation made with brioche bread and hand-whipped butter.
Next, while our wildlife is usually spotlighted as a source of pride, Australians are a brazen bunch, preferring instead to lightly season them, serve them in a bun (usually with beetroot, but we’ll save that debate for another day) and call them lunch!
In fact, from kangaroo burgers to emu meatballs, there may be nothing more quintessentially Australian than eating half our national coat of arms.
If you do want to tuck into a plate of kangaroo, there are a few ways to do it right. t. First, remember that this meat is very lean, so overcooking is the cardinal sin. Think rare to medium-rare, pink in the centre, tender and juicy rather than dry and chewy. A hot pan, a quick sear and minimal fuss are all you need.
If you’re feeling even braver, emu is another Aussie delicacy that deserves a little culinary courage. The rich, dark meat is surprisingly similar to beef, but leaner, gamier and best cooked low and slow to keep it tender.
Think seared emu fillets served rare, emu sausages sizzling on the barbie or even emu tartare if you’re feeling fancy. It’s the kind of dish that proves Australians don’t just admire their wildlife - they season it.
Finally, while the Australian Open may lure sports-loving Aussies every January, the Tim Tam Slam is a national sport all year round. To back a winner, get your mitts on a packet of the famed bickies (original is best), bite opposite corners, use it as a straw for hot chocolate or coffee, then inhale in one glorious, chocolate-dripping moment a la Julia Roberts, George Clooney and Jamie Oliver (who may or may not have affectionately earned the very Aussie nickname of Jazza following his first bite).
Eating like an Australian is a balance of nostalgia, absurdity and unabashed indulgence. So, next time you face a jar of Vegemite, a steaming meat pie, a plate of fairy bread, a roo burger, or a pack of Tim Tams, remember these rules: spread lightly, add sauce, embrace childhood nostalgia, keep it lean and slam responsibly.
One final note: if anyone tells you fairy bread belongs on sourdough or Vegemite in a smoothie, smile and ask them if they’re being ‘Fair Dinkum Mate’. Strewth…that’s the true test of eating like an Aussie.
